The people you see on the plane

This last flight had nearly all of them, I think I'm going to actually make this into a Bingo card! Ooh, or maybe a pack of Tarot cards!

the drinker - she loves herself a pour-it-yourself lounge bar and she keeps ‘em coming once the plane is airborne. She’s also often:

the talker - the one who talks loudly and incessantly even after the lights have gone out and everyone else is trying to sleep.

the eater - not only do they eat all of the food they’re served, they order the entire in-flight snack menu as well. i once watched a guy on ANA consume approximately 9000 calories on a 12 hour flight – and this was after hitting the pre-flight buffet in the lounge. Impressive. He also often becomes:

the farter – that guy who somehow thought that having kimchi and hefeweizen and beans before boarding the flight was a smart idea.

his antithesis is the monk – the person who brings a single brown rice ball for a 16 hour flight and refuses any and all food offered to them onboard. Double points from their selected deity if they refuse all the food in First Class. Like a Crossfit-ing vegan, you can be certain this person won't pass up that grub without explaining why to the FA and everyone in earshot.  

the seat grabber – that person who can’t get up or sit down without violently shaking every seat in front of them.

the salaryman - despite the flight leaving at the end of the day, he’s poking at a spreadsheet and a slide deck non-stop for the next 16 hours. Hopefully the company health plan covers Adderall.

the “it’s as cold as a meat locker in here” person – they wearing a sweater and swaddled in their own pashmina and two onboard blankets and yet they keep asking the FA to raise the thermostat. Meanwhile, everyone else is threatening a strip-strike if it gets any hotter.

the guy who bought all of those "ultimate travel!" clothes that you always get ads for on Instagram… This might just be my old age talking but dress brogues and a pair of grey, elastic-ankle sweatpants looks preposterous.

the hydrator - this person goes everywhere with a water bottle clipped to their bag because by golly that pee is going to be clear. After all, didn’t you know that literally every possible malady can be traced back to improper hydration? Inexplicably they love the window seat, so their row-mates have to get up a dozen times for them to pee during the redeye.

the super sick person. This is where you wish Japan’s trend of wearing surgical masks would catch on elsewhere. Every time they sneeze the people around them wince just thinking about how they’re trapped in this tube with alllll of those airborne viruses. I bring my own surgical mask in case there's of them on my flight.
(Update from 2021 – hooo gurl this one was psychic, wasn't it? ouch!)

the “f*&k that curtain, i’m gonna go up and use the first class bathroom” person – most flights i’d give them a 50/50 chance of not getting stopped by the staff, but bully on them for trying! These people have largely replaced the “self-upgrader” from back in the day when load levels and IT systems were less maxed out than they are these days.

The teenager in business class who’s definitely old enough to be sitting in back unescorted but the parents wanted everyone else to know how flush they are. Though I did spot the incredibly rare species on this flight: the family with teenagers who forked when we boarded the plane: the kids sat in coach, the parents in business. I wanted to give them a trophy.

the “omg but what about the jet laaaag” person - comes to the airport in slippers and pajamas with a neck pillow, eyeshades, and an Evian facial mister for a 3 hour flight from Seattle to San Diego.

the “i have questiooooooons” person – I actually heard “is this abalone sustainably fished?” Umm, this fully-loaded A350 requires 100 tons of jet fuel for the 16 hour journey to Hong Kong. If you’re worried about sustainability maybe start there?

the walk-arounder – they've got friends in row 2, row 16, and row 33 and they're gonna be gumming up the aisle the entire flight trying to have conversations with all of them.

...and this gem from Australia's version of The Onion:

on that 19 hour flight from Singapore it took 3 of us gently-but-very-firmly confronting her to finally get her to turn her volume off. 

Who am I forgetting? Which one(s) are you? 😜
Oh wait, yes here's one that fits both categories: the Blogger – that annoying person who has to photograph every single aspect of the experience. They're the worst!