What you really want in a lounge

I feel like lounges have made a lot of news lately: Delta's big credit card access cutoff, Chase's posh new Sapphire lounges, Delta being forced into opening a competitor to United's fancy Polaris lounges... If everyone wants to be in one before they fly, won't we eventually end up at a point where the airport is entirely comprised of lounges? But I digress…

Over the years I've only mentioned lounges in passing – if something was particularly good or bad, or if there was a good tip to pass on. They're largely all the same in my head as long as they have the basics in order. But what are the basics? Clearly the Delta zombies who will wait an HOUR to get into a lounge have a very different view of the world than I do. 

Before I get to my own list of realistic lounge must-haves, can I just put an "item 0" at the beginning of this list -- i.e., The Dream List:

    0. If you fly on ANA's A380 service from Hawaii to Japan in a premium cabin, you board the plane directly from the lounge. I realize this isn't feasible to do on a wide scale but still... Pretty cool

    0a. Taiwan's Starlux has extra large seats in the first row of Business Class that they call First Class. I was very eyeroll-y at the massive price premium they wanted until I saw that it comes with access to LAX's ReservePS private terminal. The greatest luxury is not having to enter the terminal at all!

    0b. Speaking of a no-terminal experience, you can also fly JSX. When we flew them for my dad's funeral the terminals felt like pilot employee lounges in an airport hangar – very cool if you're into planes. 

Ok, so now that the next-level dream stuff is said, here's my ordered list of things I want in a lounge: 

Spot the luxury in this photo (hint: there is none!)

1. No line to get in. First off, I fully support a blanket rule of "max 3 hours prior to departure" for passengers on an initial departures (ie, people not on a layover). No really, there are people who spend their entire work day there before their evening flight and they inevitably get super feral, take up more than one seat, talk really loudly on work calls, get too drunk... NO. Furthermore, lounge operators have more than enough data and AI power to know if it's going to be crowded on a given day, and I wouldn't mind my app telling me the night before "tomorrow you can enter the lounge anytime after x:xx" if it meant a 99% chance of no wait.
   
2. No trouble finding a seat. This is related to #1, but speaks more to a harder threshold of when to start forcing people to queue up. Surely Amex has a good idea how many Centurion cardholders are coming. At the moment they cordon off large sections of their crowded clubs for these invisible guests.
3. AIRSIDE (post-security). If you have to leave enough time to clear security, this will inevitably lead to milling around the gate area with no place to sit. I'd argue that this is tied for first but if I have a 4+ hour layover, I don't mind exiting security. On some international itineraries you can't, though. 
4. Clean, no-wait bathrooms. Massive bonus points for Toto Washlets! Also, bonus points for floor-to-ceiling stall walls, shave kits/toothbrushes, good quality soap and lotion. 

   

   Seoul knows how it's done!
   
   
   

5. Fresh ground coffee. Machine is fine, but bonus points for a lounge barista 

   

   Hand made coffee AND dim sum at Singapore's Sydney lounge

   
   
   
6. Reasonable Wi-Fi. Bonus points if it doesn't involve logging in thru some goofy portal
7. Clean, no-wait showers. Sooo nice if you're transiting on a long trip. 

   

   ANA's showers at Haneda are perfect. And I love the phone-based queueing system

   
   
   
8. If they have showers, I'd love to be able to use them upon arrival as well. In the US, the trend is toward all concourses being connected airside, so this isn't completely unfeasible. 

   

   Taipei has showers in the int'l baggage claim (bring your own soap and towel)

   
   
9. Free-pour alcohol. I don't need to wait for a bartender to make me a G&T. Bonus for Asia's beer pouring robots 

   

   Love these pour-from-the-bottom beer dispensers in Seoul

   
   
10. Decent, interesting food. Shouldn't resemble hospital cafeteria food. Bonus points for actual seated, table service dining like the United Polaris lounge. 

    

    C'mon Sydney lounge dumps!

    
    
11. Nice view of an active runway or a skyline 

    

    … or both

    
    
12. Telephone rooms so you can grumpily point the loud Zoom call talkers at someplace to take their noise 
13. Kids play area (for the same reason) 
14. Airline service counter 
15. Minimal TV noise
16. Game room (LGA Chase) 

    

    Game room at LGA's Sapphire lounge
    
    

    
    
17. Sleep rooms so you can shut everything out and actually sleep 
18. Massage chairs  

    

    I love me a Yodabashi camera moment
    
    

    
    
19. I get why they don't but it'd still be nice to have some way to take a sandwich or something when you leave given the dicey state of domestic US meals (in F and Y) these days. I usually just take a banana with me 
20. Travel packets of Vegemite (and America's Vegemite – Peanut Butter) 😂 

    

    New Zealand Air's Lounge in Sydney has these gems