Don't be a travel douche

You don't have to fly much to witness people behaving badly in airports, airplanes, or on social media. The Covid-19 era has taken the dicketry I talk about in this post from 2018 to unimaginable new heights. Let's reminisce about those more innocent days when jerks on a plane were more annoying than, y'know, deadly contagious and prone to violence.

1. If you're sitting in the front of the plane and you refer to people in coach as "plebs" or "the unwashed masses" or something similar, just stop here and go throw yourself down a flight of stairs. Repeat if necessary.
   
   
   
   
   
2. Don't ever say "Do you know who I am?" to airline staff. Since you're at JFK and not at Teterboro getting on your personal Gulf Stream jet, maybe take it down a notch or else I'll throw you down a flight of stairs myself.
    
   
   
   
   
   
3. Do you really need to check-in on social media at the airport,
   then again in the First Class lounge at the airport,
   and then again on the actual flight,
   then again at your destination?
   Girl, ONCE. At most.
   
   
   
4. I once saw a passenger in the First Class lounge jam her entire duffel bag full with complementary bottled water, soda, cookies, crackers, and anything else she could get her hands on. Maybe try putting some class into "First Class"?
   
   
   
   
5. You know those passengers who congregate near the boarding gate long before their group number has been called and who carelessly block the way and slow the entire boarding process down? Airline employees call those people "gate lice". Think about that.
   
   
   
   
6. If you're not a Gate Agent, it's not your job to decide if a person boarding "looks like they shouldn't be in the First Class/Super Elite line". You have a 99.9% probability of looking like a racist ass if you ignore this advice. 
   
   
   
   
7. This one is for both passengers and staff: it's not your job to decide if a passenger is disabled or not. It's their doctors'. My non-bald sister-in-law with cancer endured harassment from staff and fellow passengers for "not looking disabled" even though she had a single, barely-functioning lung and all of the proper paperwork with her. The passengers looked like asses and that Delta gate agent ended up in a remedial disability sensitivity class.
   more Nico Santos (aka Mateo from Superstore) on GIPHY
   
   
8. Ok you've made it past the gate lice and you're onboard, let's talk about that "obligatory" pre-departure champagne selfie. Hint: it's not actually obligatory. If it's your anniversary, or a trip where you're treatin' your dear momma to a grand adventure, then fine. And please not another friggin selfie with your face all huge and your loved ones all blurry and small in the background! We want to see them too!
   
   
   
   
   
9. If you're going to post the "look at my gigantic First Class seat!" pic, you know the one where you're showing everyone how fancy you are, don't wear old gym shorts and a ratty old t-shirt, mmkay?
   
   
   
10. Don't get WhiteGirlWasted™ on Krug or Johnny Walker Blue just because it's free. Neither your fellow passengers nor the flight attendants want to deal with an obnoxious drunk. Plus a hangover kicking in before you land is one of the worst feelings on earth.
    
    
    
11. If something relatively routine goes wrong aboard your trip, don't whine on social media about how horrible your life is. Do you really think anyone at home is going to give a shit that you had to, say, sit on the tarmac for an extra hour? Honestly, they might even have a bit of schadenfreude at your predicament.
    
    
    
    
    
12. Lastly, do you really need to photograph the entire flight experience just so you can post a trip report to your blog? 🧐 Well, if you decide to, make sure you tell yourself you're doing it in the name of "helping others" and hopefully you'll still be able to look yourself in the mirror in the morning 🤣🤣🤣